作者 guru
妳知道嗎﹖
我每一次回到台北、就有回到家的感覺。
尤其喜歡那擁擠的西門町，車聲、人聲、音樂聲、擴音機叫賣聲。
每一個課程工作完成後、我會格外放鬆的走入人群、東看看、西望望。
和老神仙打個招呼、丟個銅板給路邊的假乞丐、幫個忙推路邊攤販車躲警察。
偶爾客串一下未成名的小歌星的粉絲、她在台上拼命唱、我幫她在台下拼命搖！
霓虹燈閃爍不停、噪音也閃爍不停！
站在路邊攤吃碗麵線、坐在街道邊沉思冥想或發呆。
車聲、人聲、音樂聲、叫賣聲都吵不到我，也沒有人會來吵我。
偶爾會碰到一兩個熟面孔、我會低頭混過去、讓自己消失在人群間。
這是我自己的世界、我自己的天空。
走累了、我會穿過人群、穿過車群、穿過各種聲音、最後．．．
讓霓虹燈繼續閃爍在我經過的路、讓街燈留下我那長長的背影。
我回到我的小閤樓、打開窗簾、看到的還是我的天空。
沒有人來吵我、也沒有人會吵我。
台北的天空、大多數日子都是灰灰濛濛的。
但祂罜蓋著的、是無礙的自由。
我很喜歡這種感覺，也許這叫做獨處的藝術，或有人會把祂看成孤獨。
我不孤單、我常常擁抱著我那不開口的伙伴、玩具趴趴熊、看著那有啊沒的電視畫面、進入很甜的夢鄉。
二十多年了、早已經習慣了獨來獨往。
當年妳選擇了日本、我後來輾轉選擇了你的隔壁、台灣。
但我們的距離卻只有越來越遠。
當年、我看著妳把最後一包行李、放上妳自己的跑車、一踩油門呼嘯而去。
我們沒有說再見、我們甚至於沒有再對望一眼。
似乎、我們的內心、都很害怕在這節骨眼會改變心意！
我們的內心世界、同樣的掙扎了很久、好不容易我們終於能夠有此共識．．．
決定了平靜的分手。
妳走了、打包得澈底、走得澈底！
妳什麼都沒留下、只留下我們那睡夢中的女兒。
她睡得很熟、妳走得很急！
往妳的自由奔走而去！
不須再埋怨、不需要再吵囔！
沒有人會再吵我了！
但我還是不由自主的、往妳的車子消失的方向走去。
我孤孤單單的走著、走著．．．
我能怪妳嗎﹖
妳可能永遠都不知道、是我在自導自演。
我把妳原有的榮華富貴、及本來就屬於妳的自由、都還回給妳！
我知道、妳從此像我手中斷了線的紙鳶，再也沒有回頭之日了。
我沒有恨妳、我只有感激、我只有惆悵。
我深深的感激妳陪了我好些日子。
我深深的憂慮、往後的日子誰來照顧妳！
我不知道獨自走了多遠多久，我後來獨自站在街燈下、當時的天空也是灰灰濛濛的。
街燈適時打亮。
一道長長的背影拉在身後，我決定回頭去抱女兒。
從此、我就學習獨自走在自己的旅程、慢慢去習慣我原有的自由。
但是、我喜歡走在人群及噪音中。
然後、累了又躲回自己的寧靜的天空。
那怕天空的顏色、總是灰灰濛濛的。
但那是我自己的天空、完全自由的天空！
妳去了日本、我後來選擇了台灣、妳卻跑去了美國。
我們的距離越來越遠！
妳兜了地球一大圈，結果卻回到原點。
妳告訴我們那已經長大、而且初為人母的女兒說：
「原來我一路在找尋的、卻是我當時自己放棄的！」
天！我知道後更著急了！
因為、我們離得更遠了！
不是因為我在台灣、再遠的距離也可能回得來。
問題是我們的世界已經不同樣了、有一個還在睡夢中、另一個卻已經覺醒！
夢魘與醒覺的世界是無法溝通的！
我們之間沒有距離、只要一個肯入夢、或是另一個願意被喚醒！
我能夠喚妳醒來嗎﹖
台北的天空、總是灰灰濛濛的。
妳會喜歡嗎﹖
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